Mental Health

How To Be Neurotypical: A Step By Step Guide


Ask questions that you do not want truthful answers to.

Ensure you wear uncomfortable clothing just because they look nice. You can even forget to take out the tag for bonus neurotypical points.

Always say the exact opposite of what you mean.

Never turn up to an event at the arranged time. You must be ‘fashionably late’. If they had wanted you to come at 6pm, they would have said 5.30pm, not 6pm.

If you need to text someone, don’t. Call them instead. Call them every time, even when it could be texted.

Have very regular interests at a low-level intensity. Do not express any desire to tell anyone about these interests.

Do say ‘how are you’ as you pass someone by in the corridor, without waiting for a response.

Sit still at all times. No squirming, fidgeting or stimming. Of course chewing a pencil and chewing with neurotypical items does not count.

Comment on the weather, every single day. Saying ‘it’s sunny today, isn’t it’ when everyone can see out of the window is a necessity.

Make sure everything is clean and tidy, but not TOO clean and tidy because that would verge into neurodivergent territory.

Complete all your days tasks without too much effort, then sit down on the sofa with a cup of tea to watch the evening news.

When travelling, make small talk with the person sitting next to you. Don’t wear headphones or you will miss the chance to discuss the weather.

Stare deep into another person’s eye ball when they are talking to you. Neurotypical’s will call this ‘eye contact’.

Everything you say must be incredibly vague. The vaguer, the better. Remember to act frustrated when someone doesn’t understand your vagueness.

Always choose the busiest, loudest social venue that you can. Shouting over the music so people can hear you is what it’s all about.

Remember you must study anybody who is not exactly like you. And remember to not include them in this process.

Change plans last minute, just for the thrill of it. Then get on with your day as if no change has occurred.

Buy yourself a calendar. Or a planner. Then use it. It will solve all of your problems.

Always follow through with all your plans and all your ideas. Make sure you only have one idea at a time.

Act all ‘pally’ with people when you are with them, just to keep up appearances.

Start a task as soon as you are set the task. Move swiftly between tasks. If someone distracts you, get straight back on with it.

Copy exactly what everyone else is doing, even when there is no logical reason to do so. Even when something has no purpose, be sure to do it anyway.

Go to the hair-dresser’s as often as you can, just because small talk with the hairdresser is the highlight of your week.

Ask open-ended questions as much as possible, and remind people that these are the best types of questions.

Never, ever hide away from people because you’re too tired to make conversation. Get out there and be as neurotypical as you can be!

Disclaimer: This is not serious.


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